story by miharusshi
“Haaa… what am I doing?” I let out another sigh as I look down on the undying flame on the ground. “Why the heck am I doing this?” I complain again. Looking at the orange flame on the tin box container, the newspaper cutting on my left hand, and the pair of tongs on my right, I have no choice but to go on with my decision.
I was not resolved with my sudden decision to burn this thing. Really, it was just an impulse on my part that I did not even think of another, and probably a more appropriate, course of action after I read that portion of the newspaper. Calling it an impulse might be an understatement. I was horrified, if not only taken aback. My mental state was a mess and I could not think calmly. Realizing how chaotic my actions and thoughts were in the past few minutes, how was I even able to consider myself an independent and mature person? Maybe I thought of myself too highly. If you were to put yourself on my slippers right now, you would probably feel the same unless you are inhuman.
“This is not my fault. What is there to be guilty about?!” I shout from the top of my lungs, or so I imagine. My surrounding was soundless and I cannot hear a thing aside from my own innermost rants. Yes, there wasn’t anything for me to be guilty about. Let me correct that—there wasn’t anything to be directly guilty about. No matter how much I try to clear my conscience, in the deepest parts of my heart there is still some amount of remorse left. It’s as if the evil has set its foothold in my very being.
“I didn’t kill her! SHIT!” I start gripping the newspaper cutting firmly, wanting it to disappear. How ironic. If I hold on to it that much, it surely won’t disappear. I do not know any magic trick to make it disappear, nor do I possess a supernatural power to make it happen. Has my guilt completely possessed me that I did not immediately notice that my right hand has been hurting from the strength of my grip? Oh right, I have a bad hand-and-feet coordination, so I also started gripping those tongs too strongly. How pathetic.
Shit. I start acknowledging my guilt.